Wednesday, June 12, 2013

How To Avoid Cougar Attacks! Whether The Cougar is A Feline Or a Recent 50+ Year Old Divorcee, Be Prepared! (I Couldn’t Help Myself…)


Outside Magazine recently posed the question: How do I avoid Cougar attacks?

To which I automatically replied in my head and, inevitably, on Twitter: "Avoid Thursday nights at the local watering hole."

(Thank you. Thank you very much….)

For, as we all know, there’s the fuzzy, enormous, kitty-cat Cougar, complete with sharp teeth and tail, who has seen a recent, tremendous resurgence in numbers all over the United States. (NYTimes.com “A Glamorous Killer Returns”)

And then there’s the 50+ year old divorcee Cougar, complete with sharp teeth but no tail, who can be spotted visiting her dermatologist once a week and roaming through Happy Hours at your local hot-spots all over the United States.

So take a minute to brush up on your Cougar 411s. So that you're prepared in the event of a face-to-face encounter with either one of these hungry gals. Read on!

Q: What does a Cougar look like?
A: If the Cougar is a Cat: Light brown fur. Long tail. Smaller than a lioness, bigger than your dog.
A: If the Cougar is a Divorcee: Light brown, all-over body tan. Long fingernails. Thinner than a celery stalk, bigger hair than a New Jersey housewife.

Q: How do I spot a Cougar?
A: Cat: Alas, Cougars usually spot you before you spot them. Always be aware when hiking. Look for posted signs from local authorities for recent sightings.
A: Divorcee: Alas, Cougars usually spot you before you spot them. Always be aware when frequenting an expensive bar. Look for posted scratchings from previous prey on the men’s room’s walls.

Q: What do Cougars prey on?
A: Cat: Deer, elk, bighorn sheep, wild horses, beaver. And, unfortunately, domestic sheep, which ultimately gets them into hot water with the ranchers.
A: Divorcee: Hot, young, buff, cute, handsome younger guys. And, unfortunately, married men, which ultimately gets them into hot water with the irate, diaper-changing, stay-at-home-moms.

Q: How will I know if a Cougar is stalking me?
A: If the Cougar is a Cat: Chills running up and down your spine. A vague, uneasy feeling.
A: If the Cougar is a Divorcee: Chills running up and down your spine. Maybe an actual hand on your thigh. A vague, uneasy feeling.

Q: So, then how do I avoid Cougar attacks?
A: Cat: Travel in groups. Cougars tend to shy away from larger looking, noisy prey. Bring the dog as an “early warning system.” Remain calm and speak in a confident voice.
A: Divorcee: Travel in groups. Cougars tend to shy away from man-packs and like to single out their prey for deep conversation about art and muscles. Leave the dog at home – she might kidnap it. Remain calm and speak in a confident voice about your 20 year old, hot, model girlfriend who’s coming to meet you any minute.

Q: And, if I am actually attacked?
A: If the Cougar is a Cat: Fight.
A: If the Cougar is a Divorcee: Run away!

Namaste & Three Cheers! –OM

For more on how to avoid the Feline Cougar: Outside Magazine

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