Thursday, December 13, 2012

This Mommy Can Karate-Chop a Mountain Lion But Can’t Sew On A Brownie Patch. Urg!


I Would Chose a Mtn Lion Over a Sewing Job
As a great outdoorswoman, I’d like to think that I could fend off a Grizzly and karate-chop a Mountain Lion if it came down to it. Slice ‘em up and have ‘em for breakfast.

I could saw off my own arm when pinned in a boulder and make it back safely in time for brunch. I could whittle a stick into a spear and catch my own salmon dinner. I could make moccasins out of the pelts of deer-mice and find water in the cups of leaves to quench my thirst.

However, as I sit here, attempting to sew on patches for my daughter’s Brownie sash, and I have come up against my own personal not-carnivorous-animal hell.

The patches are made of concrete. My fingertips are RAW as they push, wheedle, force the teeny, tiny, little needle through the other side.  The hour I’ve already put into this one %@$#$ patch bodes poorly for the timing for the next seven patches. Urg.

I already tried ironing them on. But apparently my ironing-stickiness-skills are about as good as my Brownie patch sewing skills….. every single patch fell off during troop meeting, and my daughters’ patches came back attached in a clump with a giant silver safety pin. The shame!!!!
My "Sewing Kit" -- The Horror!

My girls are getting a kick out of Mommy’s ineptitude in this area. They are seeing that Mommy isn’t perfect and that I can stink at some things. I don’t scoff at these skills, but I am just not very good at them.

The closest I came to instruction about sewing was in Senior Advanced Bio class where I removed the ovaries of a very sweet little mouse and then got to sew her back up, having practiced my surgical knots ahead of time. (Yes, the mouse made it and could now have wild, passionate lady-mouse sex w/no fear of quintuplets.)

And if my, ahem, “sewing kit” had anything to say about it, it would put itself up for adoption immediately. (Craigslist Ad: One sad, tangled “sewing kit” looking for a loving, untangled family…)

Clearly, I will NOT be getting a Mommy Brownie patch for this attempt. The final result after stabbing myself one too many times UNDERNEATH my fingernail is a Brownie sash with somewhat lopsided, pulling, patches placed around it. But you know what, made with love. And that’s the story I’m sticking to!

Namaste & Three Cheers to you sewing people! -OM

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